One year ended and another began for me yesterday. They come faster each time; some unknown result of Einstein’s relativity I presume.
In the birthday card from my mom, along with a beaten $20 bill ( — wait a second… doesn’t my son get $50? ), were some folded up pages from an old day planner. affixed was a post-it note:
this is a peace that your Dad wrote on your 21st birthday
found it in a Draw. Do what you want read it or throw it away
Mom
It’s put me in a weird state. Not sure what to do. not sure why I don’t know what to do. I can’t say I had a horrible relationship with my father, just a distance as I got older. Some of it the disillusionment that occurs as one gets older and their view of an elder changes. They’re not as infallible as you once believed as a youth. Of course there was the same friction many families feel as their politics no longer align and it only got worse as Trump rolled around. So many of us have been through that.
The little packet has been sitting on my monitor stand ever since it arrived. I’ve had no desire to open it yet but I can’t bring myself to throw it out. I’m seriously considering sticking it in a time capsule we were planning to bury this year. Running from something, passing it along for future me to deal with or giving myself a chance to get ready?
TBH, I almost didn’t post this. It feels a bit heavy for any early post in an attempt to blog more, but then I realized this is maybe what I need out of this process? Some way to open up a bit more? Become more comfortable with being me with all the flaws, fears and fuckery that involves?
Ugh, I just wanted a few bucks and some cake…